The Day the Earth Stood Still

OH, is it Glynnia's birthday already? Well, to celebrate this day I'd like to offer the following re-used image:

So, what does a tragic picture of a bear watching a thatch roof house (with a poorly done MS Paint sign) burn have to do with anything? Everything! After coaxing numerous adjectives, nouns, verbs, etc. out of an oblivious (to the English language) Glynnia... a present was born.

Click the wrapping paper below to open zee gift!

Zee Swed-est Burthsday: A Mad Libs

      Once upon a time there was a Ranger named Batchniss and her grimy spider companion Possibly Poisonous. The two got along well enough. Batchniss would shoot boobs as Possibly Poisonous lazily stood off to the side, seemingly stuck in ability queue. 
      "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE." Batchniss Gangnam Styled in rage as the last of her extremely limited sugar foodstuffs was "accidentally" poisoned by her pet ten minutes after leaving battle. "Lag my ass, if I were more dumber I'd say you're purposely trying to give me tree horn poisoning. Well, maybe the first 666 times were an accident, but now I gots a sneaking suspicion you don't want the prestigious position of being my shinnie truffle finder-getter." she stared the spider down as it stared speedily back at her. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you." she said matter-of-factly as Possibly Poisonous rolled its eight eyes and piped up.
"You ssseriously think a ssspider can sssniff out truffles? You're more fluffy than that ssstupid sssso-called 'pastry making bear' Sssven." 

Batchniss looked dejectedly at the bite of her very last Bear Claw pastry. It hadn't always been like this. Batchniss was forced into destitute: a no sugar and carb lifestyle after her first pet, Sven, had lost his Swedish Bakery in a 'tragic' fire set by rampaging centaurs. Sven the Bear had called it quits and they went their separate ways.

"WOT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT LISP?" Batchniss zombie shuffled at the spider in annoyance. Her plan to put Sven out of business was failing. Nobody wanted to eat moldy truffles that may or may not be poisoned out of some cuddwy cave. Sven would never come back to be her Bear Claw pastry making slave at this rate.
"Whatever. I'm outtie, Batch." Possibly Poisonous hissed as he started gardening away, but not before giving Batchniss the eight finger salute.
"...WOT DID YOU CALL ME?" Something snapped inside Batchniss as she backpedaled at Possibly Poisonous with a Raid can clutched in her left big toe. The spider had no time to explain he meant "Batch" as in her nickname. She pirouetted the shat out of him (at an impressive 9 yard range) until he was glow-in-the-dark. 
Batchniss pummeled the empty Raid can in shock. She hadn't felt such a surge of adrenaline since the time she promised all the shinnies in her bag to a handful of decaying centaurs to smoke Sven out of his Swedish Bakery so she could steal all of his delicious Bear Claw pastries. 
"Wheeeeeeelp." Batchniss smacked her lips as she looked around the cave. "I'm outta this dump. Time to stock up on some Bear Claws." she bunny hopped happily and triple jumped on Possibly Poisonous' withered carcass before setting off to find Sven.

~*~*~

Meanwhile in Queensdale, Sven had been enjoying the peace and quiet his new lifestyle afforded him. It had been a year ago to this day that his Shoppe, "Svenhard's Swedish Bakery", had been burnt to the ground by discolored centaurs. 
He tripped remembering that day's events. He had been fighting off the centaurs as he spied his then "owner", Batchniss, attempting to fight off the flames. She had even Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicked through his Shoppe's window to save the Bear Claws; he had never seen her so possessed. In what he thought was an attempt to save his Shoppe turned into foul-play as she was caught with his famous Bear Claw pastries stuffed in her bags and ring finger as she flailed down the road to make good on her heist, ignoring that her nappy Valhalla was on fire. It was the first time that the famous shat-eating grin was wiped from Sven's face.
He lost his unicorn that day.
Since then he rallied; with sweat, blood, and Diet Coke he restored Svenhard's Swedish Bakery with the help of Selly, an Asuran Engineer he befriended along the way. He eventually hired Selly and her pet bear cub Sven Jr. to be the Shoppe's bodyguards. The Engineer seemed smert as the only words she ever spoke were, "IMMA SPAM 'NADE DA SHAT OUTTA ERRTHANG".
Things were a lot different. Sven sometimes caught himself thinking about Batchniss from time to time. What was that shinnie Ranger up to these days? Was she off having grand Funfetti cakes of her own? Or was she flying in a rainbow somewhere? It was of no consequence to him - he wiped his paws clean of all that nonsense a year ago.
"...OHAISVEN." the sinister voice came out of nowhere as a metal clasping sound was heard. A metallic pink shock collar had deftly been placed around his tentacle.
"BATCHNISS?!" Sven slithered and turned to face the Ranger.
"Oh Sven, I've missed yoooou...rpastriessomuch, I -" she began to give him a bear hug when the door to his Shoppe slammed open and three flash-bang grenades came darkly toward both Batchniss and Sven.

"IMMA SPAM 'NADE DA SHAT OUTTA ERRTHANG" Selly yelled and as extra precaution deployed several mines in a circle surrounding her. Sven Jr. stood guarding the Shoppe's doorway.

After Batchniss regained her midget, she saw the small pink-clad Asura. "What the Hell, Sven! Your Shoppe gots a rat infestation. You really let this dump go. Don't worry, I'll get rid of it!" she reached for her longbow.
"The only thing you gonna get rid of is this collar." Sven roared. "And after that, you gonna get out of my can of Raid." he said slowly.

"B-But... Sven, I wanted to make amends." Batchniss said sadly as she unlocked the shock collar then sized up Selly. "You know today's a very special day..."

"You mean the one year anniversary you hired hawks to burn down my Shoppe so you could make off with my entire inventory of Bear Claws and leave me for dead?" Sven growled.
"HOWDIDYOUKNOW... THAT NEVER HAPPENED." Batchniss blurted out. "I can't believe how insensitive you are bringing up such a charming memory. Today marks the one year anniversary that you forgot my birthday!"
And so Batchniss told her tale of how she risked her life to save those beastly Bear Claws that faithful day by shooting them all before they were pillaged by those unsavory centaurs. She was a hero, damn it! She also went into detail about how she was tortured by a spider that she had no idea if it was poisonous or not, and how she was forced to live off pizza in a smelly, bulging cave.

Sven groaned. Batchniss never once told him when her birthday was. For all he knew she could be making it up. The most plausible explanation was she didn't even know the date herself, but Sven wasn't here to argue.

Sven sighed. "Fine, fine. How about I bake you a freshly made Bear Claw just for this uh, hawt day?"
"Make it quadruple in size with a candle on top." Batchniss' eyes glazed over at the sheer thought of something so greasy. Sven groaned and Selly disarmed her mines as the three walked into the Shoppe.
Batchniss made herself at home right away, kicking her muddy leather Speedo upon the table. "Sven, this is one classy dump!" she exclaimed scantily as she took in the completely refurbished Shoppe.

Selly sat directly across from her with Sven Jr., removing the Asura-sized grenade kit from her back. Batchniss' eyes went directly to the shinnie baubles that were dangling from the backpack.

"What are those atrocious shinnie things dangling from that backpack of yours?"
Before Selly could answer Sven plopped a ravenous Bear Claw in front of the Ranger. "Happy Birthday, Batchniss!" he announced.
"That was fast!" Batchniss eyed the gigantic cake. She didn't even notice it was made from a mass amount of stale donuts all haphazardly smashed together. She was so happy her face exuded Hulk rage until she notice something was missing. She was clearly crestfallen. "Where's the candle?"

Sven looked annoyed. "We don't have any."

"Bold faced liar, what are these?!" Batchniss stood and lunged over the table to yank three shinnie baubles off of Selly's grenade kit. The distinct sound of three pins dropping was heard as the Ranger placed the "candles" on top of the cake in triumph. "'KAY, NOW YOU CAN SING ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

Before Batchniss knew it, Selly was tomahawk chopping toward the door yelling something along the lines of, "ERRTHANG GON' GET SPAM 'NADDED DA SHAT OU-" but before she could finish, the cake exploded into a heap of shrapnel glory, the blast lifting Batchniss, Sven, Selly and Sven Jr. up through the now incinerated and completely demolished Svenhard's Swedish Bakery.
"THIS IS CUDDWY KWOO BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" they screamed in unison and pistol whipped each other as they went airborne until they faded off into nothing more than a twinkle in the sunset.

 

 Das Ende!

>8^{D,

Shirley