What to expect when you’re expecting (the launch of a new Blizzard title)

Better late than never as I always say! ...Wait, do I always say that?

May 14th, on the cusp of May 15th 2012-

11:50pm: Maybe the authentication servers will launch a bit earlier to help prevent some of that bottle necking you know they have to expect come midnight… Yeah Blizz knows what to expect I bet they will. /starts spamming attempts to log in and fails

1 minute till 12: OK! So they don’t care about the huge dump the servers are about to take. Or… maybe they’re over prepared since they know how many copies this game sold. Oh man I gotta copy and paste my password faster so I can get in right at midnight and make Bheez cry!!! YEAH YEAH /speedily copies and pastes password

Midnight: /stares at clock while counting the amount of tabs after the paste before the enter

I got this on lock, totally gonna beat Bheez to it, gonna surprise that dunderhead Sel too since she doesn’t even know I got this game… AHAHahahahah.

12:30: WTF. WHY can’t we get in?? C’mon Blizz you buncha cash cow milking screw-ups!!! You’re ruining my night. I got my drank and my snack and my tunes but I’m missing my game!! /begin rage

1am: SON OF A B---- WHAT YOU GOT IN BHEEZ? WTF. WTF. /panic + manually entering password over and over as advised by Bheez (since you know, that’s what he did on his successful attempt… YEAH I’M IMPRESSIONABLE).

1:30am: You know what. I’m over it. This just IS NOT worth the time, I’m tired, I feel like I got stood up and now I have no will to continue- /while still continuing

1:31am: OMG I’M IN! I’M IN! BHEEZ I’M IN! (Bheez: that’s what she said). Time for the long awaited sorc—er WIZARD revival! Yeeeeah! Asahina welcome back to the world of the living-ish. /smashes CREATE button and holds breath

1:35am: /eyes bludge…begins to pass out from holding breath

1:36am: ERROR /silence

1:37am: …What? My character already exists? Damn that sucks! Ok, ok… Let’s try this one then… /quickly enters new character name, smashes CREATE

1:40am: NO! How could somebody have taken THAT name?? Ugh. I have no gamer identity anymore! Wait- what about this name… /enters again and again and again and again….and again… and…again…

Nearly 2am: There is NO way somebody already took “JLFJKLAFHFW83FHLFJAFDHNLFDAASDFLJFKLANBCUNEAICHDEAJKNFEA,TJDIIIIIEEEE” 

Just. No. ………..OK MAYBE THEY DID. Maybe… they did… /lip quivers

Sometime past 2 cause you know what, I stopped paying attention: BHEEZ IT LET ME IN WITH MY TOON! What…. You already started leveling?! /reaches through computer to strangle him

OH it was just a joke… HAHA. Yeah I’m cool! I’m totally cool. I’m good. Yeah. /deep breaths

I’m good.

Nearing 3am: You know what. I’m tired. Level 3 is fine let’s just do this tomorrow. /already burned out

FAST FORWARD 9 DAYS LATER:

/stares blankly at the character screen, chooses the level 59 Barbarian (aka the BARBIE), creates a game and stares at the last bubble on the level bar before level cap…

/logsout

/repeats for 2 days

Now that you’re all caught up with what I have been doing for the last 11 days I would like to say that the login-ability (yeah I’m a wordsmith) of the game has improved so now I get to log in and leave defeated after only a couple minutes as opposed to a couple hours.

If you were a fan of D2 and hoped that playing D3 would bring back all those warm fuzzy feelings, well, don’t count on it. I won’t spoil it…

Ok I will-R.I.P.CAIN.  Now who will fill the “ creepy mouth breathing grandpa wearin’ nothing’ under that linen robe and hasn’t had a bath since D2 with dementia and schizophrenia symptoms” void in my life??

If you want to be teleported back to a more magical time courtesy of the Nostalgia Express then my advice to you would be: Bust out your “retired games” box and just PLAY THE GAME THAT MADE YOU NOSTALGIC IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WAY less expensive, WAY less room for let down.

Now where did I put that Kid Icarus cartridge…

xo ~glynnia