An Unexpected (Birthday) Party!

Gather around you ninnies as we celebrate a day of epic proportions - Norse style! Pillaging, looting, tap-dancing, cakes filled with shrapnel thrown in your enemies' faces as a party favor! A birthday celebration of blockbuster proportions for our heroic Pink Leader: Bheezem!

Click below for a tale of [insert various adjectives here]!

                                                                             An Unexpected (Birthday) Party

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort-"

“BHEEZ YOU’RE NOT DOING THE VOICES.” Glynnia interrupted as an unsympathetic Bheezem looked down at her through his Santa-glasses™. “Ok, fine! Now you get a different story for being an unruly, sassy, back talking wench.”

Glynnia frowned.

“That’s what I thought.” He stated as he snapped the book closed and cleared his throat, “AHEM. Now I shall delight you with stories of my glorious ancestor’s adventures of conquest and pillage!” 

Glynnia groaned, “BUT YOU DO THAT EVERY NIGHT! You promised me a GOOD story! WITH VOICES!” She complained, exasperated. Bheezem thought on this for a moment, and then persisted, “This IS a good story, if you don’t think so you just ignant- and going to bed without a story!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~” Glynnia wailed with despair. “But you know I love stories…” she looked to him with teary eyes.

“Mhmm. Yeah, that’s not gonna work on me.” Bheezem had been prepared for her outburst.

“FUCK YOU.” She countered as her sorrow escalated quickly into rage. She reached over to her nightstand and began throwing its contents at Bheezem in rapid fire succession.

“WHOA OK, OK! Look- how about a story about YOUR ancestors??” He pleaded with her, hoping to placate her with his offer while shielding himself with her pillow.

She stopped short of chucking the table lamp, intrigue written on her face in the form of one arched brow. Bheezem quickly took note and launched into a tale before she lost interest.

“Once upon a time… In a land far, far away from here, in the age of the virtual realities, there existed two small tribes of the Celtic civilization.” Bheezem paused for dramatic effect and continued, “Clan Snuggles and Clan… Jaggerbomb.”

“Those don’t sound legit to me-“ Glynnia protested.

“SHUSH-do not interrupt a master at his work.” Bheezem spared a glance for her as she nosily HMPH’d in the background.

“Clinging to survival at the edge of a vast, black forest, with only a handful of Spearman tasked with the protection of their villagers between the two of them, they were faced with harshness of the wilderness and scuffles with the invading Greek army at every turn. The heads of each clan met and forged a pact. Banding together they left their old homes and set out to start over. After much travel, they found a small recess of cleared land, nestled safely between plots of thick overgrown forest and fortified the choke point with a primitive fence.”

“Weeelp. I haven’t heard anything from my scout in days- I think he either lion feed or a defector.” The head of Clan Snuggles announced as she picked her one good toof with a large pine splinter. 

  

“Oh noes, we had scouts! I forgot about mine… I think I left him at the old town center right before those bloody Romans forced us out!” The head of Clan Jaggerbomb trailed off, disturbed at her oversight, and distracted by the ever consuming micro managing she found herself doing to keep her civilization afloat. “YOU THERE! We need woods, get to it!” She shot a look at a group of lazy villagers and they ran off to heed her which in turn prompted the other clan leader to follow suit, directing her villagers to continue her city beautification project of constructing Sacred Groves into some cryptic circular pattern.

“Man, all this work is making me le tired.” She sighed as she admired her half completed project. Chief Kitty stood beside her and gazed upon the circle of stones being erected, “What does it mean?” she pondered aloud, expecting some mysterious magical purpose to be revealed to her. “Beats me.” Chief Shirley answered, and then offered, “The guy that built it had a short leg.”

Suddenly the air filled with the sounds of Celtic battle horns. “Our gates are being assaulted!” yelled a retreating Spearman, “Run for your lives!”. The chieftains looked at each other, “Oh HELL no.” Shirley cocked her rifle and unceremoniously shot him in the back. Kitty wondered where she got the rifle but thought better than to ask.

“Get your lazy butts to that gate and fortify it!” Kitty shouted orders all around, directing villagers to safety and heading the charge of newly trained spearmen and long swordsmen to the gate. Shirley was next to respond to the threat by assembling a unit of her meanest looking villagers and sending them to fight for their lives on the front lines. “Hold them off for a while Kitty, I gots a plan!” she bellowed as she made haste to her Sacred Groves.

As the units approached the gate they saw the Greek army had built up their numbers with housing and barracks right outside their choke point and were rolling in a freshly made battering ram to breech their only defense. Kitty roared fiercely, inspiring her units to rush past her and through the gate, engaging the enemy directly outside. It was a suicide push and she knew it… she just hoped Shirley came through with her plan in time.

The clash of bodies and cries of victory and death filled the air for what seemed an eternity. As the dust settled Kitty realized her units were schmoozing it up with the Greeks having obviously been converted by their priests to join the winning side.

"IF I HAD ENOUGH RESOURCES I'D MAKE STONE THROWERS TO SHOTPUT YOUR BALLS OFF, TRAITORS!" Chief Kitty bellowed as she pounded her chest fiercely. "Villagers, go erect a fortified wall around our base, and this time build the guard tower BEHIND the walls, ya idiots!" the villagers scrambled to do her bidding, all except one who piped up, "But Chief Kitty, you had instructed us to build all towers outside the -" he was suddenly trampled over by Chief Shirley and her mass army of Druid and Augurs.

"What was that redneck going on about!" Shirley said with wild eyes as her Augurs did a happy jig with their staves on the fallen villager's body. "I've amassed my army of Druids and Augurs sprinkled with a few villagers. Those Greeks will never see this coming!" she turned to her units as if she was going to give an epic Lord of the Rings inspired speech, but shrugged and bellowed, "DON'T SUCK." The units ran passed her hoopin' and hollerin' and chanting some weird Pagan curses towards the Greek lines.

Once they were gone, Kitty turned to Shirley. "My spearmen gots obliterated, your men won't have no cavalry to heal. Ain' nobody got time for that!" The two chieftains stood in silence realizing their impending doom was truly upon them.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeelp." Shirley smacked her lips. "Guess I'll tell my villagers to halt construction on our Golden Victory Statue." she thumbed behind her as a swarm of villagers hammered away at a massive building, some sprawled half-dead across the scaffolding.

"You're building a Wonder?!" Kitty exhaled in relief as perhaps victory would be theirs after all.

"Is that what it's called?" Shirley stared at the construction site and said loudly, "BECAUSE I WAS WONDERING WHY IT LOOKS LIKE SUCH A DUMP." She turned to Kitty and said, "I had told them to build a golden statue of their two Chieftains for when our victory came, and I wanted it to be a surprise so I erected a buncha Scared Groves to hide it." She shrugged. "Looks like we're not fwaked aftera- " she paused mid-sentence to hear the bloodcurdling screams of her Druids and Augurs in the background, followed by a new sound that was foreign to the Chieftains ears: Greek cries of terror. They ran to get a better view, but it was impossible to see through the huge dust cloud that now lingered over the Greek encampment.

"Chieftain Shirley, the Wonder is 95 percent finished!" a villager came running up to them. "We're actually gonna defeat those Greek yogurt eating jerk-faces!" Kitty exclaimed in excitement - until the entire ground started to shake.

"What in sam Hell -" Shirley began as the distant cries of battle wavered on.

The plume of dirt that had fogged their view started to dissipate when the silhouette of a massive form came into view. The shrieks of an elephant permeated their ears as they watched the ramping beast tear through the Greek camp, not bothering to stop as it tore through Kitty's newly constructed fortified walls and straight into their encampment.

"What the bloody Hell IS that thing?!" Kitty said as the war elephant had something on its back - a shoddily constructed shanty hut of sorts that was falling apart as the beast flailed. Both Chieftains Barrel Rolled™ to the side as the frightened elephant ran passed them. A body was thrown out of the hut and landed in front of them with a thud.

A villager came running up to the two leaders, "Wonder is 99.9 percent complet-" But Kitty and Shirley were despondent. Their eyes followed the elephant as it stomped through the Scared Grove and rammed straight into their Wonder, its trunk beating and feet stamping at the construction site as the villagers fled for their lives. Soon the entire building buckled under the damage and collapsed into a plume of smoke as the elephant ran straight through and continued running until it disappeared into the forest.

The figure that was thrown from the elephant stirred and slowly stood, brushing the dirt from their robes. "That's the last time I let those bible thumping Priests of Ptah join my node hoarding expedition!" the woman said indigently as her heavy ink eyeliner streaked down her face, oblivious to the mass destruction and war waging on around her. She stared at the two Celts before her, one who looked utterly shell-shocked and the other just foamed at the mouth. Must be a ginger thing, she thought to herself and said, "I am Pharaoh Glynnia, Egypt's Lady Adventurer and Node Hunter Extraordinaire. If there's materials to be had, you can bet I'll get there first and hoard it all, no matter the cost!"

"YOU FWA-" Shirley began as Kitty interrupted her. "I am Chief Kitty of Clan Jaggerbomb, and this is Chief Shirley of Clan Snuggles - we are Celts who banded together to defeat those jerk-faced Greek who be encroaching upon us. Pharaoh Glynnia, you gots any units at your disposal to aid us?"

Glynnia thought for a moment. "Yeah. Yeah, I got units all right. Priests of Ptah, they're called, but I like to refer to them as Jehovah Witnesses. I was minding my own business stealing nodes right from under the Greek's noses when my priests spotted the opportunity to convert some Greeks. They flocked over to one of their buildings - knocking on the doors and chanting - then decided to just convert the entire building itself and move onto the next - all the meanwhile my expedition came under heavy attack due to their fanatic shenanigans! My war elephants were no match for the Greek army, I had to abandon by post and that's when my elephant went rogue and started rampaging through everything! So yeah, long story short obviously, I ain't got no units. But I want revenge for my lost shinnie nodes!"

"God bless Ameri- Ireland!" Kitty said as she tried to keep on top of her multitasking. "We can still win this if we work together, ladies!" She let out a sharp whistle as a few villagers came running to her. "More walls! Fortify the base completely, I want every square inch of this mofo littered with Towers!" the villages nodded until one piped up, "should we build the towers inside or out-" "JUST GET TO WORK!" the villager's eyes widened and his mouth went agape, not due to his Chieftain's lashing, but from the scene that was unfolding directly behind them.

A sea of Greek infantry and cavalry units came pouring through both sides of the encampment, plowing through with no resistance.

"You idiots deforested our natural barrier!" Kitty roared in frustration as she'd had enough of this multitasking business once and for all.

"We've been had, ladies!" Glynnia sobbed as she watched all the precious farmable resources go up in smoke. Suddenly, the ringing of a bell was heard as Shirley yelled from the Tower Center, "TIME TO HOLE UP IN THIS DUMP, FWAK ERRONE ELSE!" Kitty and Glynnia ran toward the only remaining building. The three leaders locked themselves inside and huddled together, waiting for the Greeks to finish them off once and for all.

"Wez need a hero!" Glynnia half-sang-half-squawked as the scent of burning houses and crops assaulted her nostrils. There was a knock at the door, and Glynnia mindlessly got up to answer as both Chieftain Kitty and Shirley dog-piled her.

"NOBODY'S HOME, FWAK FACES." Shirley yelled, her hand clasped over the Pharaoh's mouth for good measure. A loud thud shook the door with such force the wood started to crack. "They're using a battering ram!" she hissed.

Just as the last hit would surely destroy the door, everything went eerily silent. It was as if the Greeks had suddenly vanished. The only noise was the retreating footsteps from their Town Center. The three girls listened in silence until a faint chanting sound was heard in the distance. They couldn't decipher what was being said, but whatever it was it wasn't Greek.

Kitty raced to the top of the building to peer out the narrow slats archers would use to fire arrows from. The two girls followed suit and surveyed their encampment.  Nothing remained, but the Greeks were retreating to their front lines toward the mysterious chanting.

Suddenly a new army came into view. A massive amount of wild-eyed, barrel-chested men with great axes. In a flurry these men ruthlessly hacked and slashed through the Greek fortifications while yelling, "LOOT. PILLAGE. DRINK PROTEIN SHAKES." as their mantra. They were utterly unstoppable as their leader must had spared no expense armoring them to the teeth, procuring only the finest of upgrades for his units.

The men whirlwind through the Greeks in a great wave, the splash damage decimating everything around them -and approximately 9.5 seconds later, the entire Greek army was wiped out. The golden haired men continued to charge their way through, encroaching upon the last building standing - The Town Center - as they continued to snarl, "LOOT. PILLAGE. DRINK PROTEIN SHAKES." But instead of attacking, they stood in a great line before the building.

"I think I peed myself." Glynnia whispered loudly to the other girls, catching some of the men's attention. What happened next couldn't be explained, save it was like The Parting of the Great Sea. One by one the men stepped aside to allow a horseman flanked by two war dogs through.  The man's steed was adorned with the skulls of enemies, as the man himself wore a bearskin cloak.

"I am Grand Pillager, Looter, and Conqueror Bheezem of the Norse, and I have single handedly defeated  not only the Greeks at your doorstep with my impressive amount of Berserkers, but also the Persians to the North and Babylonians to the South!"

"Man, he gots mad multitasking skills!" Kitty said in awe then quickly ducked from the men's prying eyes.

"I think I peed myself again." Glynnia whispered loudly twice more, causing Grand Pillager, Looter, and Conqueror Bheezem to awkwardly clear his throat.

"Come out from where you hide Celts, and we shall determine my reward for having fought your battle for you... for the twelfth time this week." he muttered as an after note.

Shirley's face went sour as she mumbled something incomprehensible. She kicked Glynnia down the stairs where the Pharaoh landed directly in front of the door, her ink makeup completely blackening her face now. "I don't negotiate with terrorists!" the Chief called down to her.

Glynnia stood and wiped herself off, but not before flipping the Chief of Clan Snuggles the birdie. She turned and opened the door to step forth before the Norse.

"An Egyptian?" the crowd of Berserkers looked at one another in confusion. Glynnia simply stood seemingly star-stuck at the man before her and unceremoniously blurted out, "YOURSTEEDISSOSHINNIESIR."

Bheezem laughed. "This wench shall be my reward! Let us celebrate this day with more looting and pillaging and protein shakes!" the crowd of Berserkers went wild at this, cheering and nearly swallowing their tongues in excitement. "And mead! And roasted rabbit for all!" He continued.

A crash could be heard as the Chief of Clan Jaggerbomb stumbled out from the Town Center. "Did somebody say booze?!"

"DON'T TOUCH SNUGGLES!!!" Shirley came flying out from behind Kitty, but Bheezem only laughed at the harmless Celts before him.

"Today is my day, and I shall do as I please." He smiled smugly at Shirley. ”ONWARD MEN!" he rallied his men as Glynnia climbed upon his horse, trying to steal the battle tokens that adorned it. "To my encampment, let us celebrate my victory!"

"Hells yehs!" Kitty said getting ready to not remember the rest of the night.

Shirley stood there dejectedly.

"Well, I am kinda hungry..." she said as she ran to catch up with the rest, secretly wondering if Norse rabbit tasted better than Celt's.

            The End.