Selicatessen The
Barbarian
She peered out from her helmet at the
hordes of hell spawn spewing forth towards the gate she had just knocked down,
skeletons, and ghouls, and cultists charged at her with murderous intent. Sel
charged forward to meet them in battle raising her axe far above her head as
she roared. She swung her weapon down once and felt the bones of the skeleton
she had cleaved break. As she went to swing her mighty weapon once more
suddenly the scene around her changed. “WHAT THE FAQ?” She exclaimed as she
looked around in confusion. But then she realized where she was. The scene had
become all too familiar for her. “STUPID CHECKPOINT RES” She huffed. This
universe tormented Sel, The Barbarian formerly known as April, Telara’s Top
Model.
It was in this world that her fears
came true. Not only were her headstrong warrior tactics useless here, but there
was also a horrible, horrible lack of chocolate. “ugh” she groaned. Now she’d
have to go and find that good for nothing sister of hers and her demon hunter
lackey. Upon her return to the dungeon she had failed to clear, accompanied by
the two useless fools who had been riding her coat tails since Telara, she
pointed past the gate where she had met her demise. Glynnia ran forward and
leapt through the gate as Sel followed her, the two barbarians rushing forward to
meet their foes. Before they realized what had happened they were both back at
the graveyard with surly faces glaring at Bheezem who was cackling wildly at
the futile attempt made by the barbarians. “WELL IF YOU CAN DO IT SO MUCH BETTER
WHY DON’T YOU TRY MR. DEMON TARD.” At this insult Bheezem’s laughter slowly
died down as he approached the horde of enemies. Concentrating he fired
multiple volleys of arrows into the group of hell spawn and watched as they
were incinerated with fiery arrows. The two barbarians stared with irritated
faces at the over confident demon hunter who strode back to them with a smile
on his face. “Show off…” Glynnia grunted as she heaved her weapon over her
shoulder and walked past him snubbing him, Sel following suit. Bheezem followed
them as they intentionally kept many strides ahead of him, as to prevent him from
stealing any more of THEIR kills.
As Sel moved through the dungeon
with the group she thought to herself what she was thinking by keeping such
useless company. Granted she had to admit, even though Glynnia was a useless
batch, she was a barbarian and understood the woes of a TRUE warrior. Not like
the prissy chris angel demon hunter who was following them, what would he know
about any talent or skill? Wave after wave of demons the group slaughtered,
sometimes being slaughtered. Or rather the barbarians were as that emo skinny
jeans wearing demon tard ran around invisible taking FOREVER to clear the mobs
on his own. BUT ALAS such was the life of a mighty barbarian.
The hours went by as time passed
beneath the earth in the dungeons they were adventuring in. As they reached the
end of the dungeon they encountered what was seemingly just another routine
group of demons, but then they realized they were sadly mistaken. Mortar shots
were fired off that soared past the heads of the barbarians and landed at the
feet of the demon hunter. His eyes grew wide as an explosion sent him back to
the graveyard at the start of the dungeon. Sel made a noise, half laugh, half
startled cry, as she dodged the arcane orbs spawning on the ground trying to strike
the elite monster down. As she triumphantly grinned after landing a blow and
dodging another arcane laser, the grin turned to serious glare, as she stared
at the frozen orbs surrounding her. Quickly she leaped over Glynnia dodging the
orbs as Glynnia was frozen and shattered to bits by the impending explosion.
Quickly she swung her blades round in
a fast hurricane motion, moving as a living whirlwind towards the monster. As
the winds from her weapons died down, the monster fell to pieces at her feet,
diced like cheese cubes. As it began dissipating, it groaned its horrible death
cry, “BE YOU AN ANGEL?” it hissed. Sel shook her head. “NAY, I AM BUT MAN…ROCK ON!”
And as she jammed out on her air guitar she awoke from her dream, only to find
herself still caged inside of Glynnia’s artifact caravan. As Glynnia steered
her horse towards the nearest artifact market, she heard a “STUPID BATCH” yelled
from the back of her wagon. Glynnia smiled as April The Heartless’ birthday
came to an end.
